Through Deep Waters

This is not at all what I thought I would be doing on Tuesday, March 5, 2026 at 11:35 PM. But alas, here we are…

I’m not quite sure even exactly WHAT it is that I’m doing. Am I writing to document the journey for future me? Am I writing for a future reader? Am I writing so that present day me can get her thoughts out on paper?

Maybe.

Maybe it’s all of that. Maybe it’s none of that.

Maybe I’m just supposed to start writing and the purpose will follow.

Maybe this is the first step before I actually know which way I’m walking.

Maybe I’m overthinking it? Maybe it’s not even that deep…

I doubt it though. Life is dynamic. Full of layers and depth and unfathomable connections and entanglements that bring our minds to the edge of understanding.

So if I had to guess, there’s purpose here. I may not be able to see it yet. I may never see it. But I believe there is purpose. So I’m going to keep showing up. And I hope that you do too. Whether you’re a friend, a stranger, future me, or my future child, I hope that you’ll continue to join me on this journey through the deep waters, knowing that our Heavenly Father is walking with me, with you, with us.

Ok so, how did we get here?

Well, it all started on a summer day in…

Just kidding. I’ve just always wanted to do that…Ok I’m back now. Let’s try this again.

Once Upon a Time…Nope. Wait. Sorry. Did it again. My bad.

Ok for real this time.

Basically, I’m starting this writing journey because infertility sucks and I need an outlet before I end up spiraling. And because I believe that God is bigger than the pain and frustration that I’m feeling today, and sometimes I need to be reminded of that. And I think maybe you might need to be reminded of that too.

Years ago I heard someone say “The Lord never wastes pain that is offered back to Him.” It resonated with my soul then, and it resonates now. It reminds me that 1. The Lord cares about me. 2. He has a plan. 3. I find hope and healing in surrender.

I don’t know about you but surrender is like not at all something that I am good at. In fact, I’m not even 100% sure that I actually know how to do it. I’m notorious for saying “God I trust you” and then 5 seconds later I’m a wreck again. I thought about titling this blog “Control Freak” but it felt like a childhood trauma trigger so I chose to keep thinking on it.

Should we talk about the name?

I guess that would be good to share about how I chose the name? Or maybe its self explanatory? If you’re bored I guess just skip this part? I won’t be offended. Actually wait. I’m working on this. Not everything needs a disclaimer. You don’t have to read it, but I don’t have to throw the disclaimer out either. Like I don’t need to let you off the hook in case you might not be interested in what I have to say. Hello child trauma again. What’s it been? Like 5 minutes? I digress…

Ok so the name. So I was in Bradford (middle of nowhere Pennsylania, basically NY, basicsally Canada) back in November, for the birth of my best friend’s son, and I thought I might be pregnant. I was super sick, like all the symptoms, timing lined up, and it just so happened that about three days after I started to suspect I might be pregnant, two different close friends from church told us that they were expecting.

What a time to be alive. I thought surely, after over 18 months of struggling with infertility, if timing was ever to feel “divine” it would be now. Plus, I was in Bradford to see my best friend, who was about have HER baby, and obviously I was going to need to tell her in person so it was literally perfection.

Some background: I’m a dreamer, and also a catastrophizer. Do with that information what you will.

So anyway, me and my best friend, and my husband who is home in Florida with our dogs (Bubbles & Reef that cutest sweetest baby angels you ever did meet) and all 3 of us are like pretty suspicious that I might be pregnant. But the plan was to NOT take a test until the day I was flying home because no freaking way was I going to be able to keep that news from my husband for more than a few hours, and I was in Bradford for 2 WEEKS.

So for 2 weeks I was like letting myself buy into the idea that I might be pregnant. Finally. Hopefully. Maybe? Possibly? Oh please Lord, the timing is soooo perfect, right?? Like what a great plot for the story if it unfolded this way, right?? Like freaking chef’s kiss. We love to see a miracle like this. And miracles are kind of your specialty so obviously this would be a great one to add to the portfolio.

I took this picture to send to my best friend the day that I was leaving. She had planned to be there to hold my hand while I read the results, but instead she was in the hospital for the 3rd? 4th day? and was waiting to be discharged along with her newborn son.

I sat on her bathroom floor and cried. I cried because I wasn’t pregnant like I had hoped and prayed to be. And I cried because I was alone. 1,200 miles away from my husband, I felt like I was on another planet.

But I wasn’t really alone.

There were other moments on that trip where I had also felt like I was alone. Particularly one where I was driving back from dropping my friend at the hospital, through the ACTUAL mountains of New York at a 45° incline, in falling, wet snow, at 12:30 AM, and I was so deep into the mountain that my call with my husband dropped. It was silent in the car, and I was terrified.

But in that moment, and in the moment where I was crying on my best friend’s bathroom floor, I was not alone.

The whole time I was in Bradford, I was letting myself dream. I was picking out nursery themes in my head, sending ideas to my husband, and contemplating pregnancy announcements. And one thing that kept coming to mind for us was the ocean, and specially whale sharks. We love the beach, and I love whale sharks. And in the process of finding inspiration on sites like Etsy and Pinterest, I kept coming across clothing and wall art with Isaiah 43:2 and a whale shark on it. It was fascinating design to me, and the words immediately spoke to my soul.

Isaiah 43:2 NLT

When you go through deep waters,
    I will be with you.
When you go through rivers of difficulty,
    you will not drown.
When you walk through the fire of oppression,
    you will not be burned up;
    the flames will not consume you.

We decided our pregnancy announcement would be that design on a onesie, and we also decided to order matching sweatshirts for us with the same design.

We chose to wait until after we got the results to place the order. We didn’t want to get our hopes up too much.

But then the results came back negative. And I immediately knew that I needed to order the sweatshirts and the onesie anyway.

Not because I thought that the test was wrong, but because in that moment, those words spoke to my heart more than they would once I held a baby in my arms. The words were not a promise waiting to be fulfilled.

They were real.

They were tangible.

I was living them.

I was in the deep waters and they were not overtaking me because my God was holding onto me.

He wasn’t going to let me drown.

Even though my soul was crushed. Even though I felt so broken and alone.

I knew that I was not alone.

So when I thought about a name for the blog, of course lots of ideas came to mind. I almost asked Chat GPT to give me some ideas, and then I remembered that the Holy Spirit is not limited to a flawed chatbot and I closed the app before I could even type a prompt.

And then it came to me. Like a gift.

Obvious, yet unassuming.

And I knew that it was a blog title that would transcend this season of infertility, and would have a place in my life for many years, and through many seasons. Because my circumstances will continue to change through my life. But my God, and His promises, will not. He is the same yesterday, today and forever. When He says He is with me, I believe Him. Even when I don’t feel it.

So now what?

Well, so that was the long version. And honestly, it feels nice to finally write it down.

I’ve shared it with a handful of people, but let me tell you, this writing thing? So therapeutic.

My husband just went to sleep. Its 12:21 AM. I should probably go to sleep too.

Maybe I’ll be back tomorrow. I can’t even believe how effortless this felt. Truly it was refreshing to get everything down on paper. Little Erin loved to write.

Maybe I’m finding my way back.

Until then,

Erin